Confession: I am 41 & on food stamps

I recently watched one of Gary Vee’s videos and at the end of it he asks a question something like: “What’s the conversation that you are most scared of having in the world?”

Is it with your parents, your relationship, etc. He suggests that letting the world know that may clear the kink in your pipes.

Time to expose some of my dirt.

The truth is I am broke and stuck here in San Francisco. I can’t manage to save money and I have to pay high rent. I can’t seem to escape.

I have been getting food stamps pretty much since I have been here.

I usually make most of my money by street performing. I often make less than minimum wage.

I owe $28,000 in student loans. It’s hard to keep up with interest. I started with $30,000 in loans and my grandmother paid off a big chunk of money then I had $17,000, but unpaid interest grew it back to $34,000.

Some might say get another job. You see that’s part of the problem. My resume is kinda shitty now after spending 6+ years out of the country and street performing for 3+.

On top of that. I don’t really want a “resume” or a job.

Because I never found one that I liked. Every job was a means to an end. Something I did to get somewhere else.

I guess I always wanted to do my own thing. My parents were never like that. They were practical people.

For a long time it was art for me and that was what I wanted to do with my life. Make art. Then I got burn’t out on painting. Maybe I gave up too soon. IDK, but I wanted to travel so I did.

Pretty much spending any money I earned on it. Since then I have lived in 7 different States and in 3 different countries.

In 2009 I started my project ESLinsider. It wasn’t until the end of 2010 that it got online with videos and an ebook. I tried selling a subscription to the videos.

That failed and approximately one person paid. Then I made the videos free and then like a year later or so I was making $80 a month with ads. I never made more than that with ads.

I decided to make it a course and for a few years I averaged maybe $300+ a month from it in donations or paid courses. Just last year I had one month where I made $1700.

But the month that followed was like zero. When I told my dad that he snickered. Over the last 3 months or so it’s been pretty bad.

Sometimes I wonder if I should quit. I have been doing this for 7 years! And I can not support myself with it. I mean I probably wouldn’t totally erase the site, but just change my focus.

I think that’s what I am doing and that’s why I changed my Youtube channel name from ESL Insider to Ian Leahy.

I have gone back and forth about that and starting a new channel.

Being 41 

It’s not that different from when I was 26. Seriously my life hasn’t changed much. On some levels it has (like instead of snowboarding I am passionate about jiu-jitsu & instead of painting I am more into the music thing), but not by usual standards.

Most people are married, have a career and kids.

Not me. I don’t really desire those things. Sometimes I think I’d like a relationship, but kinda fear it and getting attached to someone. Japan is where I want to move to next and I kinda think getting into a relationship is not really going to help that.

Also I don’t think many women are interested in a street performer who’s on food stamps.

As far as kids go I still think the same thing I thought way back when and that was maybe when I am older.

Like when I was 26 I was all about getting to next place – a better place. I am not sure if it’s searching or exploring. I just get bored with places so the same could happen with Japan, but if I don’t do it I’ll regret it. I don’t want to be 50, 60, 70 saying, “what if?”

But at this rate I won’t get there until something changes or rather I change something. I guess the point of this post was just to share some of the things that get swept under the rug.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>